Almost died last night, I swear. Never mind it’s been six weeks since since I laid her back down on the pillow, closed her eyes, and called the nurse. There wasn’t any crying then. We’d had an intimate last few hours all alone and there was nothing in that room but love. I blazed like [...]
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Kathy knew what she was doing, I’m convinced of that. Somewhere deep down inside herself, she did. There’s so much I haven’t told. Maybe I shouldn’t. But I want to write at least a little. It’s important. She stopped driving a couple years ago, for one thing, and I was glad she did. Chalk it [...]
Goddammit all to hell
The fear came back. The kinds of things that woke me up at night before she had the goddamn stroke and suddenly I cared too much to worry. Even when she died, I didn’t cry. Not the last few hours. Not after I realized that might make it hard for her to let go, and [...]
Visiting in Dubuque, 2008
Thinking of her infected lungs. There is nothing anyone can do. The exhausting dreams that take all night and wake me up but I have only been asleep for 90 minutes. The aching spasms in my legs. The box of ashes on the chair. “Aspiration pneumonia,” the death certificate said,* from stroke-affected swallowing that lets [...]
Leave the path
Nothing over there but air. I’m still sleeping on the sheets I changed to on her final weekend when I thought that she’d be coming home. I used to come to bed and run my hand along her hip to let her sleeping self know it was me. Three weeks ago I put an extra [...]
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