Gone now 50 days. Until Wednesday afternoon, I still couldn’t call Verizon to cancel her phone. Shutting it down felt like having her die all over again. The love’s still roaring out and rending body parts. We goddamn did it though, you know? I’m proud. Do you hear what I’m saying? My hand fits perfectly [...]
Personal
Eighth House dude rides again
Almost died last night, I swear. Never mind it’s been six weeks since since I laid her back down on the pillow, closed her eyes, and called the nurse. There wasn’t any crying then. We’d had an intimate last few hours all alone and there was nothing in that room but love. I blazed like [...]
Kathy knew what she was doing, I’m convinced of that. Somewhere deep down inside herself, she did. There’s so much I haven’t told. Maybe I shouldn’t. But I want to write at least a little. It’s important. She stopped driving a couple years ago, for one thing, and I was glad she did. Chalk it [...]
Goddammit all to hell
The fear came back. The kinds of things that woke me up at night before she had the goddamn stroke and suddenly I cared too much to worry. Even when she died, I didn’t cry. Not the last few hours. Not after I realized that might make it hard for her to let go, and [...]
Visiting in Dubuque, 2008
Thinking of her infected lungs. There is nothing anyone can do. The exhausting dreams that take all night and wake me up but I have only been asleep for 90 minutes. The aching spasms in my legs. The box of ashes on the chair. “Aspiration pneumonia,” the death certificate said,* from stroke-affected swallowing that lets [...]
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