Comments on: The Helen Chronicles, Part I: The Context http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/ Living Planet Mystery Tales Fri, 9 Jan 2009 20:36:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: Mtnred http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1631 Mtnred Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:07:54 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1631 It's so hard to separate your mother and your feelings towards her from the decisions that you have to make. I am sorry for your pain. Alzheimers took the woman who is your mother away from you a long time ago. She's gone. What is left is a shell with a mind in constant torment who is dying a little more every day. If your sister, a trained nurse, wasn't able to care for her then there is no way that you can. Do what the lawyers tell you then go home to your wonderful wife and grieve for the woman who was, but don't feel guilty. It’s so hard to separate your mother and your feelings towards her from the decisions that you have to make. I am sorry for your pain. Alzheimers took the woman who is your mother away from you a long time ago. She’s gone. What is left is a shell with a mind in constant torment who is dying a little more every day. If your sister, a trained nurse, wasn’t able to care for her then there is no way that you can. Do what the lawyers tell you then go home to your wonderful wife and grieve for the woman who was, but don’t feel guilty.

]]> By: donna http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1629 donna Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:04:05 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1629 Take care, John. My heart goes out to you... Take care, John. My heart goes out to you…

]]> By: John H. Farr http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1620 John H. Farr Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:05:19 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1620 Rich, it's utterly unbearable. I'm completely shattered. I can't say "Good Morning" without crying. As for this, <em>I can’t really fault a system that doesn’t allow care without the patient’s consent.</em> <strong>What if the patient is insane?</strong> That's what I have here. My mother is insane, but if she isn't judged to be an obvious danger to herself, I can't force her to accept help. She shits her pants, can't drive, can't cook, can't keep herself clean, is spending her limited resources freely in crazy ways, and CANNOT take care of herself. What the state is forcing me to do will result in my leaving her here, alone, in this condition, waiting for her to fall down in the night and bleed to death on the floor. That's how it is. I've called in the lawyers, however. I have the most firepower available on tap, but it still comes down to an evaluation by a single psychologist/neurologist. If Helen doesn't "pass," I can become her guardian and save her. If she's judged not to be a danger to herself, I get in the car and drive away. Period. There is no other recourse, but as the lawyers have said, if that happens, my conscience will be clear. My rage and pain will not be abated, however. And God damn, GOD DAMN, the American so-called health care hell... Rich, it’s utterly unbearable. I’m completely shattered. I can’t say “Good Morning” without crying.

As for this,

I can’t really fault a system that doesn’t allow care without the patient’s consent.

What if the patient is insane? That’s what I have here. My mother is insane, but if she isn’t judged to be an obvious danger to herself, I can’t force her to accept help. She shits her pants, can’t drive, can’t cook, can’t keep herself clean, is spending her limited resources freely in crazy ways, and CANNOT take care of herself. What the state is forcing me to do will result in my leaving her here, alone, in this condition, waiting for her to fall down in the night and bleed to death on the floor. That’s how it is.

I’ve called in the lawyers, however. I have the most firepower available on tap, but it still comes down to an evaluation by a single psychologist/neurologist. If Helen doesn’t “pass,” I can become her guardian and save her. If she’s judged not to be a danger to herself, I get in the car and drive away. Period. There is no other recourse, but as the lawyers have said, if that happens, my conscience will be clear.

My rage and pain will not be abated, however. And God damn, GOD DAMN, the American so-called health care hell…

]]> By: rich http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1619 rich Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:45:35 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1619 I have nothing but sympathy for your plight - but at the same time, I can't really fault a system that doesn't allow care without the patient's consent. I can far too easily envision wealthy relatives dumping unwanted problems into hospitals, or enemies of the state declared "unwell" and forced into "care" to shut them up. i hope there is resolution for you. it sounds truly unbearable. I have nothing but sympathy for your plight - but at the same time, I can’t really fault a system that doesn’t allow care without the patient’s consent. I can far too easily envision wealthy relatives dumping unwanted problems into hospitals, or enemies of the state declared “unwell” and forced into “care” to shut them up.

i hope there is resolution for you. it sounds truly unbearable.

]]> By: karen http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1615 karen Mon, 18 Aug 2008 16:31:13 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1615 There, there. There, there. Witnessing Mother on her road home is one humbling task especially with all the baggage dragging along. It's the ultimate test of one's/son/daugher mettle, stepping in and out of the minefield filled with the family history. All I can offer is this Rumi masterpiece to console: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. ~ Rumi ~ Doing your own yelling helps balance the limbo game. Shaking off the dispair, anger, and the rest. Your nervous system will thank you....... there, there. There, there. There, there.

Witnessing Mother on her road home is one humbling task especially with all the baggage dragging along.

It’s the ultimate test of one’s/son/daugher mettle, stepping in and out of the minefield filled with the family history.

All I can offer is this Rumi masterpiece to console:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Doing your own yelling helps balance the limbo game. Shaking off the dispair, anger, and the rest. Your nervous system will thank you…….

there, there.

]]> By: Rebecca http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1613 Rebecca Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:45:44 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1613 You are a good son, which can only make you a good man, which is hard to be. I wish I knew the point to all the pain. My thoughts are with you and your mother. You are a good son, which can only make you a good man, which is hard to be. I wish I knew the point to all the pain. My thoughts are with you and your mother.

]]> By: John K http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1612 John K Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:38:01 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1612 Praying for you and your mother. John Praying for you and your mother.

John

]]> By: Therese http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/2008/08/17/helen-chronicles-part-i-the-context/comment-page-1/#comment-1610 Therese Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:23:47 +0000 http://jhfarr.com/farrfeed/?p=651#comment-1610 You're doing a good job of pushing through this, John. Maybe the grittiest, most difficult thing you will ever have to do. So if there is anything encouraging I can offer is that it seems to me like you're proceeding as consciously as possible, which is very brave (and ultimately healthy) even if it doesn't feel like it. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts as you are so frequently. Therese Brooks You’re doing a good job of pushing through this, John. Maybe the grittiest, most difficult thing you will ever have to do. So if there is anything encouraging I can offer is that it seems to me like you’re proceeding as consciously as possible, which is very brave (and ultimately healthy) even if it doesn’t feel like it. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts as you are so frequently.

Therese Brooks

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