My 86-year-old mother is in the hospital with pneumonia in Tucson and not making sense. It’s impressive, what that does to you. I might as well call this post “John Watch.”

My brother is worried that I’m not there and hopes I’m coming soon. That’s not how we do it, though. Just the sight of me might generate enough “crazy energy” in her to momentarily fool them into letting her go, and then where would we be? Haha. But seriously: no, not yet. And the doctor will sedate her if she tries to leave again.

My wife: ”Your mother can’t possibly ‘escape’ from a modern hospital. She’d never make it to the front door.”

Me: “Even if she could get out, it would never work. She’d have to take a taxi, and she’d never pay for one!”

She’s already convinced she’s dying. For all I know, she is. And it may sound harsh to strangers’ ears, but it’s like I can’t do anything for her until she does. Even if she comes out of this, she’d have to surrender and cooperate for me to get her into a nursing home, and that’s not going to happen. She isn’t rational any more. She hasn’t been for a long time. I don’t see how she’s managed to live on her own for the last 10 years, anyway.

I felt some pretty strong emotions today. Not sorrow, but more a reaction to the archetype, the elemental thing that’s going on with Death nearby. This is monumental with a parent, even one you’re not that close to.

My relationship with my mother is deep and dangerous. I could say she gave me birth and love, but then she tried to kill me (and never gave up). And yet, the more I glue the missing pieces back, there’s less need to blame her for leaving them out. I can talk to her openly and with compassion, from a distance, anyway, and sense the spirit of a person, not my “mother,” and that person is all right. The last time I talked to her was like that. I just ignored the crazy parts and the arrows bounced right off. Then she seemed to shift gears, maybe out of boredom, and we connected for a little while, as equals.

That might have been the last time. it’s out of my hands, for sure.