Dios es mi motor

Sometimes things just fall apart, a little or a lot.

It can happen in an instant, but usually builds up over several days. A little emotional awkwardness is the first sign, neurotic guilt symptoms the second, and then wham, a sharp drop down a well-worn slope. Some people take anti-depressants. I guess I understand. Without them, natural selection would have eliminated a lot more of us. But I’ve never done that. I can’t imagine it. If I have a broken leg, shouldn’t it hurt?

The situation is not enhanced when all I hear are drums for war. An occasional commenter here once said that while the administration is evil, they’re not insane, ergo I shouldn’t worry that they’d actually start an even bigger war on top of the two they’re already losing. And with Iran yet, a nation with a culture older than Jesus. They don’t know a thing about Iran except the numbers, as if that’s enough, and they’re also ranting about “saving Israel” when all this will do is blow it up. The accelerated “return” of an immaculately conceived descendent of Abraham to reward true believers for the mess they’ve made is part of this equation, and who does that remind you of? (”Heckuva job, Christians!”) The man thinks he’s acting in the name of the Almighty. The more impassioned the protest and cries for reason, the keener his revenge. How is any of this sane?

Simply taking it all in is dangerous. It can set off my own reactions, and then the things in the basement wake up. It’s outrageous how similar they are, my own learned flagellations and the planetary depression of war and apocalypse. Scared? Check. See no way out? Check. Feel no love? Check. No joy? Check. Everything a waste? Check. Why go on? Check.

Meanwhile the arguing and strategizing roll on. It’s like we’re all riding the same gigantic eel. But who wants to ride an eel? Better yet, WHO WANTS TO RIDE A STINKING SLIMY UGLY FISH DOWN TO THE BOTTOM AND DIE???

Want to know what really happens when the hammer drops? Everything disintegrates. I mean everything. I know what’s going on, but I can’t stop it. I fall all the way down through the blackness and get dumped into a cold stone dungeon dark as pitch. At this point, useless and dysfunctional, I might as well be dead. It’s over. My heart is cracked completely open. And then, spontaneously, I hear a quiet little voice. Over in the corner, there’s a light. Essentially, Little Johnny Angel-Boy in a propeller beanie says “Wait a minute, that’s not right,” and instantly there’s a total shift. It’s literally that fast. Without any warning, I’m saved by I don’t know what. I think it comes in through the crack. But I have to hit bottom hard enough to break things. One way or the other, I have to feel.

In the same way, I have this image of humanity needing its collective heart cracked open, so change can come. Maybe it’s just a matter of allowing. Otherwise, the eel snaps its tail. That’s the default method, though what I think what we have here is a chance to be different. I know there’s a chance because I’ve seen things change instantaneously. Sometimes it’s really crazy. It’s like there’s this big dumb secret only rocks don’t know, except they do, and we’re the ones left out in the cold by being stupid.

This afternoon I was still a wreck and took a walk up the mesa, more to take my vibes out where they wouldn’t stink up the house than anything else, and halfway up the hill it happened, just like I described above. Everything shifted, I was “back” and fine, but in a slightly different way. As I walked down from the top, I started writing this post in my head. Thirty seconds later, I looked down and saw a rock with a singular shape. I bent down to wipe the sand off and picked it up. It was heavy, about a foot across, in the shape of a heart that’s been cracked open.

I tucked it back under a piñon for later retrieval with my backpack. When I get it home, I’ll post a picture. It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw, at least this week, and you really won’t believe it.